.. what i actually want in life ..

i'm getting tired and tired-er doing things which not in my fav-things-to-do list. i've told you so many times, and let me tell you once again.

i hate science. i hate chemistry.

yeah. THE BIGGEST MISTAKE in mylife, no?

took this course as a respectiation [?] towards my mother. she was the one who wanted me to take the so-called science courses so bad. any courses will do, tapi mesti sains. arghhhh~ then, as advised by old friend of mine, Fariz, i chose this APPLIED CHEMISTRY course as he suggested.

now what?

i suffer a lot. i suffer for three years!! yes this is my final semester, the very lasssssssst part of my degree. but still, tak dapat generate minat langsung. melampau kalau aku cakap, aku skang pon masih blur blur dgn chemistry.

i dont know. its just too hard for me. to deal with the facts to be memorized. the experiments, labs, labcoats, chemicals.

dont you ever think that i'm clever. i absolutely not. with 3 pointers for every semesters, tu tak membawa maksud i'm clever. i just hate doing things i am doing right now.

i depends on my friends too much. too much i tell you. you can really ask my friends. they know. i dont even know how to calculate the number of moles. i have to refer to my notes. i have to write on my book, how to calculate using m1v1 = m2v2 formulae. shit!

i'm in tensed. i'm bonded to the government as i mentioned before [due to the JPA scholarship]. that means i'm dead. i hafta work with them for four years. FOUR YEARS, or maybe more.

i don't want to be bonded anymore!! i suffered enough!! i don't want to work as a chemist etc!!

anyone, pls give me money to pay them [the JPA]. sebagai denda. hahaha! hmm how much ek. ade la dalam rm100k camtuh.

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i actually love arts, and bussiness thingy. mom said, bisnes2 tu bosan. keje kat opis segala, mmg bosan. i know i know. but i just love the way they dressed. huhu~ i want to be a businesswoman someday. i no need a gas-station, i just need a business much smaller than that. maybe a boutique selling clothes, bags, or bundle stores. or maybe a burger stalls? no kidding. all that are possible kan.

ah nevermind. i might be paid rm2k per month as a chemist. or i may even get more if i work harder. alah bukan susah sgt pon. T_T

i want to kumpul2 duit. help my parents. help my siblings. and then, i'll help myself. i don't want to be selesa for now, cz that means something goes wrong. i think its best for me to suffer at first. righttttt?

od God, pls show me the path, show me the ways. help me help me.

ps; i have 2 tests and 1 takehome test to submit tommorow. and now i'm blogging. why oh why.

.. T_____________T ..

hai.

hmm. dah seminggu hidup aku tak tentu arah. dah seminggu aku exhausted gila.
bangun awal2 9 pagi (ceh awal ke?), terus mandi terus berarak [?] ke lab / makmal projek kitorang. terus buat lab. mmg penat ah kan. aku ni sampai terlupa nak makan ko tau. aku cam segala benda kena siapkan dulu before makan. sampai angin perut aku.

dahtu, ada yg sampai malam tak siap2. adusss. pastu makan pon ala kadar je, sehari sekali je. sedisssssss!

pastu yg lebih sedis, dahla sample black fungus aku tu sikit kan. aku dah siap wat test DPPH, FRAP ngan TPC. tapi semua pon tak jadi. semua pon kena repeat. DPPH tu dah bape kali dah aku repeat. haih.

oh ethanol baru sampai tadi. sangat suka! siap bergambar ngan botol ethanol dowh! haha bodo gila. tapi ethanol tu adelah kawan baik aku. kan elyn kan?

gamba banyak yg ditangkap, tapi cam malas la nak upload. aku ade keje nak kene wat ni. ade assigment, nak stadi lagi, presentation lagi. waaaaa camni ke final year???!!

hmmm memember aku kalut2 nak buat master. aku jeles. tapi takpela. dorang buat benda yg dorang minat. aku kan tak minat sains2 ni. so takpela, aku tunggu la nanti. aku keje dulu, pastu baru tgk bleh sambung master ke tak. kot mase tu laki aku sapot ke kan kan kan.

WEY MAK AKU BELI TRACKMILL!!! ke threadmill??? jeles siut. huh takpe. dah tak lama dah aku nak balik umah ni kan. so tunggu!!! bulan may nanti aku balik. aku nak bersenam diatas itu!

ok la korang (ceh bajet cam ada je org baca blog aku).
nak wat keje ni. babai.

.. tentang sesuatu ..

Aku sungguh blur ketika ini. dan juga bengong dan bongok.

huh. Tension dow tension siut.

eh, aku nak tanye korang. Korang2 yg kenal aku la, aku nak tanye.

Adekah aku seorang yang selfish?

Adekah aku seorang yang tak penah admit kesalahan sendiri?

Adekah aku .. adekah aku. ok penyakit sudah datang.

Itulah. Aku just nak bertanya.

Aku rasa aku terlampau banyak berfikir. Banyak fikir pasal orang lain lebih dari diri sendiri. Sampai segala benda pon aku curious. Sebab tu muka berkedut macam org tua.

dan, aku rasa la. Aku terlampau nak satisfy orang lain lebih dari diri sendiri. Aku rasa cam tak best hidup kalau aku tak dapat nak tolong orang. ish tahla. Maybe korang tak pecaye kot. Tak kesah ah. Tuhan lebih tahu. huuuh.

21 tahun, nak masuk 22 tahun. Aku rasa la, aku rasa, aku sangat2lah risaukan orang lain dari diri sendiri.

dan sekarang.

Dah tiba masanya.

Untuk aku fikir balik pasal ni.

Sebab adelah sia2 dan menyiksa jiwa bila aku sacrifice macam2, just utk satisfy seseorang tu, tapi sikit org tak appreciate.

or maybe, mmg betul kot aku selfish.

kan?

.. aku sedih ..

dan tertekan.
uh asalammualaikum.

tertekan tertekan tertekan !!!!!!!!!!!!!
tension gila ni. uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa~ T_____________T
atas sebab apa malas nak cerita.
sbb like anyone care.

tapi.
aku nak shopping dan makan banyak2.
tapi esok hari cam babi, kelas pack pagi sampai ptg.
babi cam nak ponteng je lagi [hari ni dah ponteng]
eeeeeeeeee babi!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

tension betoi ni, bukan cobaan, bukan sandiwara ok.
aku nak release tension ni.
salah satu aku bleh buat is shopping dan makan banyak2.
mampus ah gemuk pon saya tak kisah.
tension tahu!!!

kalau la ada org sudi nak bawak aku lepak pantai skg ni kan best!